Monday, January 26, 2009

Following sweep, Duluth raises banner to celebrate

Duluth has many banners hanging in the rafters to remember old glories that will likely never return to the shores of Lake Superior.
Over the weekend the Duluth Bulldogs hosted and promptly swept the Mankato Land Cows. Under a new fan stimulus plan by the administration, following any home successes the team raises a banner to celebrate. As the freshly minted banner was raised, the student section chanted “BANNER, BANNER!” in the same lame manner that they chant “STALOCK, STALOCK!” during games.

Regarding the new stimulus plan, one school administration official had the following to say, “We understand that most teams raise banners for significant accomplishments like NCAA or WCHA Championships. Do you see that happening in Duluth anytime soon? The school doesn’t, so we need something to boost moral, and there hasn’t been much to do that since the 2004 Frozen Four anomaly. We are proud of our WCHA titles and NCAA success during the 83/84 and 84/85 seasons, but that was a long time ago. Back then the DUMP {the proper name for the DECC} wasn’t such a joke.”

Worried about student welfare, a local climatologist added, “I think these banners are a good idea. Right now the only thing students have to look forward to is the eight weeks total of spring, summer and fall every year in Duluth. Well and the fact they can go to the youth center downtown and not worry about handguns.”

The spokesman for the company who creates the banners chimed in, “This is all very bizarre to us, but they pay us on time so what the hell, eh? Originally they wanted banners for each goal and assist throughout the game. We pointed out the obvious problem of not knowing who would score to have the proper banner created. They were planning on stopping the games straight away, but someone thankfully squashed that plan.”

Not to be left out, a janitor at the DUMP included his thoughts on the banners, “Whatever anyone else tells you, none of it’s the truth. The real reason for the extra banners is the asbestos raining down from the ceiling. Some scientist figured it all out and we’d be shut down w/ out the banners. You’ve been inside, I mean look at this place, what a ****ing DUMP!”

The Mankato fans and players were not impressed. One fan that made the long winter trek to the North Shore just shock their head. “I understand raising these banners, I’m going to have to contact our admin about doing the same thing, but without everyone cheering Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, it just didn’t feel right.”

Duluth fans on the other hand were happy, though they admitted to being easily amused living in a frozen wasteland. Hearing that Wisconsin was interested in the story of the banner raisings someone yelled, “How many Hobey Baker winners does your school have?! That is right, none; we have ****in Brett Hull too!” Our correspondent had no reasonable reply to such stupidity.

Duluth does not raise banners for success on the road, and that is a good thing since they won’t be finding any when they travel to Madison to visit the Wisconsin Badgers this weekend.