Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Minnesota... Is Less Than Optimal

I grew up in a Badger household, surrounded by Badgers. I have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings who have gone to UW. I met Mrs. EoDS at SOAR. I bleed Red, and I'm a Badger til I die. However, despite all of my tried and true Badger-ness (Badger-osity? Badger-itude?), there's one "shameful" secret that I'll spill to you all: I'm a Minnesota native.

Yep. That Minnesota. My name is ExileOnDaytonStreet, and I'm from Minnesota.

I was born in Southdale Hospital and lived all of my first 18 years in Richfield, Minnesota. Disgusting, right? Well, it's not so bad. Not as many fish fries, but you can go to casinos when you're 18 and its a lot easier to find a park with a rink in the winter.

While my tolerance of most Minnesota sports is looked down upon by many Wisconsin natives (hooray for the Wild!), I could not underscore enough for you the following two facts:

(1) I despise the Vikings, and their fans.
(2) The University of Minnesota can s**t hot knives for all I care.

Honestly, my childhood would have been just fine and dandy if it weren't for those stupid chokers (both the golden and purple varieties). I wish I could accurately describe for you the constant pain it was to have to grow up as a Cheddarhead amongst those fools. In fact, I can't. So I won't.

But what I will do, is use my knowledge of gopher fans for the greater good. I won't be making the trek across the St. Croix to see this weekend's games, but for those of you who are, I've prepared the following primer to prepare you for the experience of being surrounded by corporate season ticket holders gopher fans (the ones that bother showing up, at least):

- They will be confused as to why you aren't cheering for the gophers (I'm actually not kidding about this one. You have no idea how many times their reaction to my being a Packer fan was "Why don't you like the Vikings? Shouldn't you be a Vikings fan?").

- They will be even more confused at the notion that, as Badger fans, you will tend to cheer verbally and actually make noise in support of your team.

- Disturbing the mausoleum-like atmosphere of a Minnesota hockey arena will prompt them to wonder why you know so little about hockey. The term "hockey knowledge" may get thrown around. The rules are simple: the quieter you are, the more of it you have. Somehow, this rule doesn't apply to idiot gopher fans who call for icing on the Badgers during a penalty kill...

- About 37% of all gopher fans 31 or older thought that Jesse Ventura was their best choice for governor in 1998.

- You will be surrounded by people who believe that gopher hockey is the pinnacle of existence. You know how whenever you see the gophers announcers on FSN, they're constantly talking about how great the gophers are, how the other team can't skate with the gophers, how the gophers have halos around their heads and everyone else should just be grateful to be basking in the glow of gopher hockey? That doesn't just come from nowhere. They're not just trying to leave a stinky taste in your mouth, Gopher fans actually seem to think this way.

- Basically, its like being around a bunch of people who think that their dad can beat up your dad, and their dad is Doug Woog.

I hope that helps. If you feel like getting personal, or crossing any lines while you're watching the games, here's a few more things to keep in mind:

- Don Lucia's hair can be used as torch fuel.
- Wangas' mom is named Kay.
- Anyone who can work "sarcoidosis" into a workable cheer is a golden god.
- Brian Schack suffers from roid rage and has the back of a 40-year old man.
- Garth Snow might have been on to something.